Updated: Jun 25, 2018
"Fear is not real. The only place fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist."
~Will Smith After Earth
On December 31, 2017 as I watched the ball drop and the timer count down from 10, I told myself 2018 IS MY YEAR!!!
I'm going after everything I want!!
I'm going to start that blog, I'm going to start that podcast, I'm going to write that book...I'm going to do it all and I'm going to do it tomorrow!!! No games!!!! No excuses!!! Grind mode activated!!!
3 months later I still hadn't done shit.
The only thing I did do, was talk about what I was going to do but damn sure wasn't putting any action behind the words.
I was working as a sales rep at Verizon Wireless, absolutely hating my job. Like literally everyday walking into that building depressed because I couldn't stand it. Great money but the hours and the atmosphere were horrible. I wanted out!!!!!
But I hadn't reached the point of wanting it bad enough.
I wasn't willing to quit and follow my dreams or look for a job that allowed me the schedule to work on my craft.
I was content, comfortable and secure...ok all bs aside I was scared.
Terrified actually. Terrified to step out there and go after what I truly deep down inside wanted.
So instead of going after what I wanted, I chose to get dressed everyday in my uniform, hop in my car and pep talk myself for the 30 minute ride to work, in order to convince myself I could make it through the 8 hours ahead of me.
Tuesday March 6 as I got ready to go to lunch, my manager asked me to come in his office.
This wasnt anything new for me...I stayed in the "principal's office". So I'm thinking, just say what ya'll need to say and let me get back out on this floor to finish up my time.
My manager told me "Kim today will be your last day".
I'm like last day where?? I really thought he was joking. But he proceeded to tell me I was being let go.
I signed the papers they needed me to sign, he gave me that whole you are somebody and will be somebody speech and let me go to my locker to grab my stuff.
I walked out the building literally feeling like a weight had been lifted.
I gave that company 4 years of my life.
And before you can even think or say it..."what you mean 4 years that aint shit"...retail 4 years is like dog years. 4 years of working nights, weekends, holidays and long hours. I didn't get to enjoy 4th of July at the beach with my family or stay up late on Thanksgiving. My 4th of July consisted of FaceTiming my husband and getting pictures of our youngest son touching sand for the first time. My Thanksgiving consisted of being in bed by 8 or 9 because the next day is Black Friday and I had to be at work at 4 in the morning. So yes 4 years is a long ass time in the retail world.
I drove out that parking lot, grabbed something to eat and went home to chill.
When my husband got home that night we talked about how this was perfect because now I could start working on all the things I had been dreaming of.
NOW I'm going to start that blog. NOW I'm going to write that book. NOW NOW NOW!!! No games!! No excuses!!! Grind mode activated.
3 months later I still hadn't done shit.
Oh I posted pictures and videos on IG and FB with the hashtag #StayTuned hyping everyone and preparing them for some shit I knew damn well I wasnt about to make a reality anytime soon.
It wasn't that I was lying or being fake, I just hadn't reached the point of wanting or needing it that bad.
I wasnt hungry enough.
I hadn't looked fear in the face and said fuck you yet.
Instead I was secure with collecting these mediocre unemployment checks and riding around doing Lyft to bring in extra cash while looking for another full time job.
And then on Wednesday morning June 6...3 months to the day I got let go from Verizon, I received a text from a friend of mine. I hadn't talked to him since January so this was totally out the blue. There was no hi, hello, good morning, how you doing...it was just a long message on what I HAD to do and what would happen if I did it. One day I might share the actual details of everything he said to me, but for now just know after reading that message I knew it was time to look fear in the face and say fuck you.
And thats exactly what I did...well kind of.
I went live on FB and told everyone to hold me accountable. I told them to give me 7 days. In that 7 days I would no longer bs around and by the end of those 7 days I would be releasing something that would be the first stepping stone to this new journey I was embarking on.
Everyday my best friend Krystal would text me counting down and asking what I had done to work toward my goal.
And the funny thing is, even with the accountability and encouragement, I still didn't do what I said I would. I didn't put my all into it the way I should have, because see there was still a part of me that was scared. A part of me that was worried and doubted more than I trusted the process I needed to go through.
I stress really bad about money. If money isn't right, I'm not right and my attitude is thrown completely off. And this particular week was a bad one when it came to money.
See one thing I will tell you that my friend text me that morning of June 6 was how God had been trying to get my attention for some time now. How if I would just be obedient to Him, He would take care of the rest. But I wasn't at a low enough place in order to hear Him.
See losing my job wasn't enough.
Having the schedule I needed in order to work on my craft wasn't enough.
Having the right people in my corner pushing me wasn't enough.
I was too comfortable and too scared. I hadn't been stripped down enough to need it, but on Wednesday June 13, 7 days after I received that text message, God got through to me.
My husband works 2 jobs. With those 2 jobs and my unemployment it's just enough to get us by but not enough to get us through, which is the reason I started driving for Lyft. See as much as I wanted to work on my blog and podcast that week, I couldn't. My husband wasn't able to work his day job that week, which means we had no extra income coming in at all. Rent had just been paid, our cell phones actually had been cut off because we hadn't paid those, so the minute my unemployment payment dropped, we had to use all of it to get our phones back on. I couldn't drive Lyft with no phone so we had no choice. I got out there everyday and drove for hours just to have some money in our bank account for gas and food. I would take the kids to school then go driving. Pick the kids up from school and go back to driving.There was no time to sit at home working on passions that weren't paying. I was too scared to totally depend and lean on God and to trust that if I just did my part, He would do His. I mean what were we going to do if they cut this off or took that?? I had worry on top of worry on top of doubt on top of fear. All piled on each other at one time.
So on day 7, the day I was suppose to be letting my social media world know I had completed my goal of finally putting something out there...I grabbed my car keys and told my husband I was going to drive. We had a bill due that Friday and I needed to go make the money to pay it. I got in my car, turned my app on and drove down the street. As I turned the corner I heard "Stop...go back home". Now I don't hear from God in that way very often. He usually talks to me in other ways but it's rare when He comes to me in that bold kind of way where I can actually hear Him. But the couple of times He has, trust me I've listened. So I turned my Lyft app off and turned that car around. I pulled up in front of my house and I cried. I cried and I told God how scared I was but I was going to trust in Him wholeheartedly and believe that He would take care of the financial part as long as I took care of my purpose part.
I walked in my house at 5:45 pm on June 13 day 7...and 7 hours later I had completed my website and finished writing my first blog. The next day at 10:02 am, my hands shaking and tears in my eyes, I hit the publish button on my blog and introduced the world to First Of All Kim.
I finally said fuck you to fear.