Why I DIDN'T Get Married...

I know you’re reading the title of this blog and thinking, Kim what the hell are you talking about?? You are married and we know you are because every chance you get, you’re showing off your husband and threatening the world if they come close to him!! (I will catch a case over him…so if you’re just meeting me for the first time please understand he ain’t what you want…ok lets get back to it)

Yes I am married, but in order for me to be the wife I am to my husband today, I had to learn why it was important to be the woman I needed to be to myself first.

I wish I could tell you this amazing story of the day I realized I couldn’t say I do. Like how I was sitting on the beach watching the waves of the ocean crash against each other as I had this ah ha moment where I needed to find myself mentally and spiritually and then I walked off into the sunset ready to conquer the world. But naw it wasn’t any of that. I was sitting on the toilet and literally had a damn panic attack.

I’m talking about in mid pee it hit me that I cant do this shit. 

How can I say I do when I’ve never said I did.

I was 25 years old, with a kid, living at home with my Mama. I never had my own place, never paid my own bills, never cooked my own dinner…never never never. 

My life was a long ass list of things Kim has never done…and that needed to change.

I realized there was no way I could take on the role of a wife when I hadn’t experienced everything the single life had to offer.

I had to fully be and understand me before I agreed to a life of we.

So let me start at the beginning and let ya’ll know how I got to this point…

First of all…I’ve always wanted to be married

I grew up in a household where my parents were married, all my family members were married, my friend’s parents were married. Just marriage all around me. So of course, I wanted the same.

I mean every girl wants a happy ever after…Cinderella found hers. Snow White found hers. Even the Little Mermaid a broad who was a damn fish, found hers. So yes I wanted that whole fairytale white picket fence life too.

And my day came. He proposed I said yes and the planning began.

My favorite color was red. So I chose this white dress that had a red sash around the waist and a beautiful long train with red lace in the design. Red roses and candles would serve as the centerpiece on each table, atop red and white table cloths. The venue we had was beautiful and would be able to accommodate both our families and the many friends we had on our guest list. Oh and the invites, which I had already ordered, were white with cursive red lettering to match the rest of the decor. Everything was going to be perfect. At least thats how it was suppose to be, but inside it didn’t feel that way.

See at the time I was living with my mother. I had never experienced truly being on my own. Now granted before I had my daughter, her father and I stayed together but that still was me living with and depending on someone else. So I had never experienced just me, myself and I. My fiancé at the time had done all that. He was in the military and also had been married before so he was very familiar with being an adult and having to do things on your own.

And the closer it got to our wedding day, the more and more it bothered me that I had never experienced this level of life.

I had never experienced ME.

I had only experienced we, us, ours, theirs, his but never mine.

So when most women would be elated with planning their wedding, I was actually sick to my damn stomach thinking about all the things I would never get a chance to do or be.

So one morning I woke up, went to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and decided I wasn’t going to get married. 

I threw the invites in the trash, called the venue to cancel, made plans to return my dress and then made that call to my fiancé letting him know this couldn’t happen.

I had to be fair to him. I couldn’t stand at an alter and make promises to this man or to God knowing my heart wasn’t in the right place. And what I didn’t want to happen was to go on with the marriage and end up regretting it in the end. I would never be able to forgive myself for wasting his or my time. Pretending to be something or someone I knew I wasn’t and building a life and bringing kids into the equation knowing I had an expiration date on this union.

So as hard as it was to do…I had to walk away and pick me over we.

A couple weeks later I had a breakdown.

I was sitting in the middle of the floor, a set of keys in one hand and a stack of papers in the other, crying my damn eyes out.

I had just finished signing the lease for my brand new apartment. 

MY APARTMENT!!

Kimberly Marie Eggleston was the only name on that dotted line.

I did it!!

I chose me!!!

I didn’t have shit in that little apartment...my mother ended up giving me a living room set she had from our old place just so I could have someplace for people to sit. But it was my home and I loved it.

Oh and trust me this new journey wasn’t easy. It was a hell of an adjustment coming from my mothers house depending on her for everything and doing it on my own. 

But it was so worth it.

That moment taught me so much about myself.

See I had to know what it felt like to stand alone. I had to know that if there was no one else to help me, I could make it.

I had to know what it felt like to sacrifice. To grind. To win. To lose. To hurt. To struggle. To overcome...I had to know what all that felt like and not through other people's eyes or experiences.

I had to be the best version of myself to myself before sharing that piece of me with anyone else. 

I couldn’t be the mother I am to my kids today if it wasn't for the struggles I went through raising them alone.

I couldn’t love and appreciate my husband on the level I do today if it wasn't for knowing the struggles I experienced without him being there.

I had to learn me, love me, forgive me, understand me and know me before I could give myself to another person. 

I called off my wedding and walked away from that relationship when I was 25 years old. 9 years later I married my husband. Now I’m not telling people to wait that long or say you can't find love and get married in your 20's…but what I am telling you is this:

Before you say I DO...make sure you've said I DID. 

Be all you need to be to YOURSELF before you agree to be something to someone else.

Don't rush love and happiness because of what other people are doing or have.

Don't go about life short changing yourself just to get a status and title.

Love, Learn, Laugh and just have fun...one day, one step and one learning experience at a time.

~KBC~